


to be exact

by akirusu



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24034987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akirusu/pseuds/akirusu
Summary: light and L confront their feelings, but make no effort to confront each other.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	to be exact

Light laid in bed staring at the ceiling for the past hour now. He listened diligently to the clacking of slender fingers typing away on a keyboard a few feet away from him, subconsciously tuning out every other sound, vaguely wondering if different letters made different sounds. Every once in a while, he’d feel the cuff on his left wrist shift slightly, the chain that kept him bound to the other dangling off the desk at which he worked. He hadn’t blinked for a while.

He glanced over at the analog clock on the nightstand from the side of his eye. 6:30 AM, or 6:28 AM to be exact. His sleep schedule hadn’t been normal for the past 4 months, thanks to the bastard he happened to be bound to almost never sleeping or allowing him to sleep. He looked back up at the ceiling with a quiet exhale, hands propped up under his head. Though the room was still and silent, he still felt so overwhelmed with noise.

Earlier that night, he regained his memories of being Kira and killed Higuchi, finally getting ownership of the notebook again after months of being innocent. He’ll trick L with the fake rules he’s written in the notebook and kill him once and for all and he’ll have no more obstacles in his way. He’ll be able to start a new chapter in his life, in everyone’s life, and finally begin his real reign as Kira.

Still, something is wrong. Not that Light doesn’t want to be all-knowing and mighty, god-like and adored by millions, it’s all he’s been striving for this whole time and there’s no way he’d change his mind now, but it’s something a lot deeper that he hasn’t thought about at all. Keeping his friends close but his enemies closer might have been a mistake.

It’s been a weird past 4 months. He’s always had a particular interest in L, but he never thought of it as anything more than being caught up in rivalry and being more motivated to reach his end goal, but the past 4 months, they’ve been chained together. They were in each other’s lives 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week, and it was hell for the both of them, but some parts weren’t all that bad.

Light cringed. It was uncomfortable to think about, really. He felt weird being fond of his enemy. He wasn’t particularly pleased with the handcuffs, but part of him wouldn’t mind if they never came off. Light cringed again, clenching his eyes shut and shaking his head.

He couldn’t deny that together, they fell into place beautifully like a puzzle. He now knew that L is the only one who ever truly understood him, who ever truly matched him and challenged him, and he hoped L felt the same about him. Deep down, to him, their cat and mouse game was so much more than just a rivalry, their relationship was so much more than a match to the death; maybe it started out as just that, but it unfortunately blossomed into something much more complex and beautiful, in its own morbid and tragic way.

Before L, Light never cared about anything, or maybe he just didn’t care as much about anything as he did now. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful for everything he had- a loving family, friends, money, looks, brains, popularity, everything anyone could ever ask for, really...but he felt so stuck, so bored of the same routine he cycled through every day. In the crowds that always surrounded him, he always felt singled out and different, not being able to fully connect with anyone.

He didn’t have any spark or challenge in his life until L got in the picture. They’ve always been perfectly matched, everything being tied between them. The constant draws always motivated Light to overpower him, only to result in another tie. It was an endless cycle, but a cycle he could ever get tired of. He felt his chest hollow imagining going back to that dull life without him.

 _L has to die._ There’s no other way this can go. _L will die._ He wished he felt more empowered by that thought. Why did he suddenly feel guilty? Why did he have to soften up for his greatest obstacle of all people? The guy who wants me executed?

_Maybe L is the first friend that I’ve ever had._

He silenced his thoughts.

Light blinked and sat up. He pondered for a moment before turning his head over to the detective who hunched over in his armchair, hard at work. His eyes stung from the contrast of how dark it was to the bright glow of his screen and he subconsciously squinted. He stared at the back of his head, his entire body feeling as if he’d been set aflame as he analyzed his features, even if it was just his back and his wild black hair. The clacks of the keyboard rang louder in his ears. He could stare at his back all night.

He scooted over to sit at the end of the bed. He quietly called out into the darkness to the other, almost under his breath. “Ryuzaki.”

L didn’t look away from the monitor. Instead, he continued typing, his eyes stinging in irritation from the bright screen. “Yes?”

There was a beat before he replied. “I-I-” He stammered out before stopping himself, then brought his hands to his face and slumped over, laughing. It isn’t like him to stutter. “I..I’m sorry, I’ve spent the past hour thinking about this and I still don’t know how to talk about it.”

“Well, don’t think too hard, Kira,” L teased, pulling a small laugh from the other. L himself didn’t know the tease was quite ironic. “Take as much time as you need.”

Light stared hard at him between his fingers, hair draped over his face and covering most of his sight. He felt pressure build behind his eyes. He took in a quiet shaky breath, burning all over. With a rare tremble in his voice, Light asked him in the darkness, “Did you mean it?”

L blinked. “Mean what?”

Light swallowed. He thought over his words carefully before speaking again, his pacing slow and delicate as if he were walking on eggshells. “When you said I’m the first friend that you’ve ever had. Did you mean it?”

With that, the clacking paused. L’s fingers hovered above the keys and his hard gaze on the screen in front of him softened. He felt the room get colder as he let his question sink in, his whole body feeling more rigid and tense. His hands shook slightly before he slowly began typing again, his gaze shifting to the keyboard instead of the monitor.

Light winced when he got no response. “Ryuzaki.”

He was torn, to say the least. Does he keep up the act or tell him the truth, and if he does tell him the truth, how much of it? Does he tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or does he just touch the tip of the iceberg and leave it at that?

Maybe it started out as nothing more than a lie, a manipulation tactic to pull on Light’s heartstrings and soften him up enough to pull a confession out of him, but L began to realize just how true it was. Day by day, he learned more and more about the other and only grew more eager to know him inside and out. He didn’t know when these feelings started, but in the background, slowly but surely, he began wanting to know Light better than anyone else.

He wanted to be able to crack Light open like a book and read every beautiful page, front and back, taking in every word and not simply skimming over anything. He wanted to keep every paragraph, even the fragments, about him filed away in the corners of his mind. Though he wanted all this, he felt scared at the thought of it, and very much so at the thought of these feelings being requited- whatever these feelings were, he didn’t know.

The idea of relationships scared him, whether it be platonic or romantic; even the idea of family made his skin crawl and his stomach twist with discomfort. Perhaps it was because L has never had any experience. Not only did his job prevent him from getting close with others, but he never became interested in the very few people he did meet with.

He always felt so disconnected from everyone and he just accepted that maybe relationships just aren’t his thing, and suddenly Light Yagami, his prime suspect of all people, comes right along and makes him feel something. The mind of a genius behind the face of a god coaxed him out of his hiding. Light really is the first friend that he’s ever had, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

Hesitantly, L lifted his hands away from the keyboard and rested his hands on his knees as he considered his question. He knew the truth would only hurt him, but would it be right to lie to him? I’ve done it a hundred times before. He subconsciously began rubbing his palms against his knees and he placed his focus on the rough texture against his skin, rubbing circles with his fingers. _The case...it’s solved. It doesn’t matter anymore._ He sighed.

Quickly, like he was pulling off a bandaid, “No,” he put it bluntly. “No, I didn’t mean it.”

There was a heavy silence that weighed down on them following that. Still, they acted like nothing was wrong.

“I thought so,” Light broke the silence and attempted to sound unbothered. He usually appreciated L not beating around the bush and saying it like it is, but it was different this time around. It stung. “You lie about a lot of things.”

“That’s true,” he mumbled back. “I’m sure you know from personal experience that I do a lot of things most people wouldn’t agree with to solve cases.” He refrained from disclosing what his original plan was. Still, he inwardly patted himself on the back for coming up with such a genius idea yet again. “I hope you don’t mind me lying to you a few times. It was all for the sake of the investigation.”

“I don’t mind at all,” he lied through his teeth like it was second nature. He felt a twinge of shame; he of all people shouldn’t be upset at being lied to a few times. It was hypocritical and he knew it. “I understand completely. And though I don’t agree with many of your methods, I can’t deny they’re effective.”

L hummed. “Yes. Well, we all have our ways.”

They sat in heavy silence again. He glanced over at the analog clock on the nightstand from the side of his eye. 6:40 AM, or 6:38 AM to be exact.

“It’s quite late, isn’t it?” Light muttered. He almost said about how it could be considered quite early instead, but decided against it as he sat in silence waiting for a response, anything at all. Of course, he only received nothing but more silence. His heart sank a bit and he swallowed. “I’m going to sleep now.”

He slowly started to shift and he crawled back on the bed, and he began to pull back the covers until he stopped in place when he heard the other respond.

“Right,” L muttered back. “Goodnight then, Light.” Those three words echoed off the walls around them and danced delicately in the air. He sounded almost apologetic. He didn’t know what he was sorry for, and still those words were sincere and it dripped from his voice.

Brown eyes flickered back to the detective. He focused hard on the cold metal around his left wrist and it became a bit harder to breathe as his vision tunnelled, eyes narrowing at L. His fists clenched in vague confused frustration, gripping the sheets, not knowing what exactly he was feeling- what both of them were feeling. The constant tip toeing around what stood between them and never making efforts to confront each other was enough to drive both of them crazy.

Light reluctantly tore his eyes away from L, looking at the ground. His grip on the sheets loosened. He let out a quiet exhale, letting go of a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Yeah,” he finally said back, pain audible in his voice. Getting into bed and pulling the covers over himself, he paid too much attention to how the cuff moved on his wrist and how the chain jingled harmonically with his movements. Instinctively, he laid with his left arm draped out beside him as to give the chain more wiggle room. He choked out, “Goodnight, L.”

Light fluttered his eyelids shut and L turned off his computer.


End file.
